bedtime thoughts
In 6 hours I need to wake up to start my commute to the veterinary hospital where I’ll be interning. As per usual the day before something big, I desperately want to stay home.
Now adays, I’m medicated for my social anxiety, so it’s all a lot easier. Less panic attacks is generally a good thing. But I also sort of hate the feeling of my brain freaking out while my body is without reaction. Sometimes I just want to sob it out, get it over with.
I hate changes in routine, I hate new places and new people. It’s the autism I suppose, causing most of the issues now. If I could just stay in bed all day and never change my state of being I would. It likely doesn’t help that I have been home in bed all day the past week and a half, as I contracted bronchitis just in time for the semester to start. The internship was actually meant to start on September 1st.
I’m not even fully recovered yet, but I’m no longer infectious and a bronchitis cough can last 8 weeks so I’ll just have to power through. At least it’s an excuse for being incompetent. I still don’t know if I’m suffering a severe case of imposter syndrome or if I really do suck. Likely the latter. I keep failing exams because of my adhd. Excuses excuses. Once the internship is done I won’t be able to continue with the next course because of a failed exam, will have to do that course next year.
At this point I’m just rambling and complaining. I guess I’m not doing so great overall right now. And I’m really scared the internship will be awful. But I’ll have to power through.
Future entries will hopefully have more documentation about the goings on with the animals. You know, the fun stuff. Now I will sleep. Or maybe not, we shall see.